bdcoogan's Cancer Blog
July 2, 2009
How to make it through another day without Brent. How to continue life? How to keep happy rather than sad? It is hard to deal with the every day but the closer a holiday comes the more I dread it. I have to find ways to keep busy. Pick things to do that we normally would not have done. July 4th was normally a low key event. A family swim, a barbaque and a few little fire crackers. These are all very hard to do on this day. How? Sure, everyone wants to try to give the answers but it is hard for others to realize that unless you are in my shoes and have lived what I have you honestly have no idea. The answer is not as easy as it looks or seems.
The kids and I have been swimming almost everyday, which is some what normal for us. Most days in the summer it was twice a day. Once in the afternoon with mommy and then when daddy got off work we would go swimming again. Some of the days we would stay at his parents after swimming for dinner. It’s just not the same without him. We all miss him so much and find it hard to go on without him. The pain of him dying is so intense it continues to leave me breathless. It is just so hard on all of us. Our little one asks for him over and over everyday and finally Jacob told her “Daddy cannot come back because mommy cremated him and turned him into ashes okay!” This brought a stabbing sensation to my heart. I thought in many ways how hard this has to be on them because they really do not understand and yet I wish in some ways I was their age to have their innocence.
Everyday I pray for a better day. I pray to find peace. I pray for the continued strength to go on. I continue to look for signs that he is still with us. Everyday I look at the wooden box that his ashes are in, in disbelief that it is him. This all feels like a horrible nightmare and yet I am finding more people living the same thing. How is it that leukemia is killing more young people, yet there is really not alot of research on this age group. I don’t understand. I will never understand. So for today I remain heartbroken and sad.
I am sooo sorry. My heart breaks for you and your family. I wish I could take away your pain but all I can do is pray that God will give you the strength to get through this awful time. There is just so much in this life that we just can’t understand why it had to happen.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Joyce In NC
Posted on I am just at a loss for words and don’t know what to say to help you heal. It makes reality really hit me as how quickly we can be taken from this earth and it scares the crap out of me. I only hope I can fight and win my battle and I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t understand how you feel or what you are dealing with, but I can pray that God keeps you strong for your children.
God bless and hugs,
Amy
Posted on 
Thanks for your support - 
